The Necessary Record of Yesternonce: A Complete History of the Entire World pt. 1

by Blondo Butterchurn
Schoolmaster of Merrydale
with approved text suitable for use
in all classrooms across the Several Shires.


Tamb Greenthumb and the founding of Dalenas
Before the keeping of years, the Folk of Erenth fought always and made havoc without ceasing. Great was the storm of their fighting and all the wide world groaned from the shame of it. Eventually the noise of their strife disturbed the God of All things, so he raised the Old Ones to bring peace and tranquility from the chaos. But the rule of the Old Ones was stiff and so the God of All things was not entirely pleased.

Then great Yomallor, mightiest servant of the God of All things, obtained permission for the humblest and least troublesome of all Erenth’s Folk to rule the known world. Those Folk were given authority to draw whatever laws were needed and to mete justice as required. Those were the days long before Drofo Drumbeater was born. That was long before even the dawning of the Big Folk. There are no dates for those times, as the Scribe had not yet come away from the Elfin Folk with a calendar and he would not do so for many long ages. Nonetheless, those days were called the Second Age, for the First Age had been one of naught but strife.

In those days, Baere the Fertile greatly favored Erenth and her Folk grew strong. The Folk of Baere are all manner of things which have leaf and root. Great tangles of plants and vines ran over all the soil and all things that grew were called Mulnechir – which is to say, “the wild green”. It pleased Yomallor to walk upon the Face, and to know the fields and paths of Erenth, talking to Baere, and wrapped in Hobbit form.

There was only one Hobbit people then and they were as chieftains for all the other folks. Dwarfin Folk and Gnomm Folk there were, and also others which time has forgotten. There were no Big Folk at all, in that day, for their time had not yet come and the Elfin Folk had not yet revealed themselves.

Likewise, there were no nations to contend with one another, for the world was chiefly dedicated to enjoying great talks and pleasant companionship. All the Hobbits lived in a wide green place, ringed with mountains, that was called Dalenas – which is to say, “the comfortable grass”. There, inside the highest hill in the center of Dalenas, the Hobbits founded a great academy, at which the most learned of them taught all the folk of Erenth. There also were pictures made upon stone.

The Hobbits were the most learned people of the day. Their knowledge of Mulnechir was highly sought after by the other folk, which could neither reap nor sow, but only lived upon the wild fruits as the Folk of Baere saw fit to provide. Among the greatest scholars was Tamb Greenthumb. Though his knowledge of planting and cultivation was great, he was but one of several peers, among whom great knowledge was shared, and from whom knowledge was continually sought.

So it was that the various folk of Erenth came, time and again, to the Academy of Dalenas to inquire of the scholars there. The questions were not limited to Mulnechir alone, for many had questions about how Folks of all places ought order their lives together. But the scholars resisted answering such questions, for they seemed to them to be as foolishness. Finally, it was Tamb who stood in the middle of Dalenas and spoke for all his learned peers, saying:

“Of rules and methods you have no need to be taught. We are the Folk of Erenth who think and speak, not like Mulnechir which simply grows and cannot reason. What need could there be for treating a person as if he were a crop. Will a person be guided in a row or weeded as a garden? Our ruling, therefore, is this – that every person of every folk ought simply to do what they will, if it harms none. Of this you have no need to be reminded. For this, no rule is required. Live and let live upon the Face!”

This wisdom proved too great for the other folk, however. Even as the Hobbits celebrated the ruling with a great merrymaking beneath the Oak of Fellowship, the other folk strove one with another for understanding. Finally, they came again to the Academy of Dalenas and sought which of them should be considered greatest, after the Hobbit.

Tamb stood as before and with gentle reproach said, “The people of Dalenas are as many nuts. Some which grow higher or are sweeter are nevertheless no greater than those which are low grown and bitter. For who will eat one and not desire the other? Let us then put such foolishness aside and say that all are, as all are. For Dalenas hath no profit in the devising of ranks or orders. For are we not even greater than the nuts, for which no such devising is necessary?”

Then the other folk took leave of the Academy and went from that place to argue one with another about rules and ranks. But of such business the Hobbits would have no part. Neither did they recognize that the decisions of others should become a ruling unto all. For the ancestors of old were like the Hobbits of today and though it had not yet been said, “In all the world, all I require is a quiet garden of good earth and a shady spot to watch it grow,” it was nonetheless regarded as true.

But the other folk would not keep still and so the learned men of Dalenas were forced to pronounce one commandment upon them all. “Argue if you must, and decide as you will, only keep silence and peace near the Academy of Dalenas.” Then boundaries were set for one day's walk in all directions and these were called the Shires. Then was Tamb Greenthumb appointed Reeve of the Shires, to forego his planting and to live from the abundance of the gardens of others. He was to keep the tranquility of that place and the inhabitants therein. And after Tamb, his sons were made Reeve and his grandsons after them.

And so it was that Tamb Greenthumb and the ancestors of old made a place for themselves in the greenest of vales. It was the home of silence and peace in the midst of strife. All the gardens were calm and all the soil rich. In time, no weed even dared grow therein. The vegetables came in large and plenty was had by all, but the other folk would know only strife in the rest of Dalenas.

The Restless Rage of Coglin Longstride
In the days of the great grandsons of Tamb Greenthumb, there was born a Hobbit named Coglin Longstride who knew gardening as all Hobbits do, but he loved an evening’s walk all the more. He walked across the breadth and width of Dalenas and drew many maps of the hills and woods therein. Every stream and path was known to him and it seemed no blade of grass escaped his notice. Whenever he was not walking, Coglin was making maps upon sheets of bark with the charred wood of a cook fire.

Thus the day eventually came when Coglin, having unsurpassed knowledge of Dalenas, went forth from that place to walk. Truly he was the first of those who were afflicted with the Restless Rage and he was gone many nights without returning. His garden became a place of tangled vines and small rodents. So his neighbors were greatly troubled and murmured against him and the peace of the Shires was greatly disturbed.

For several years Coglin was absent from his home, but he returned by and by and spent many long hours in the art of mapmaking and his garden was still left unattended. So the wrath of his neighbors was stirred against him and few invited him to their merrymaking. But if Coglin noticed his estrangement, it did not bother him, for he received many late night visitors of many sorts of folk and this too, became occasion for the Hobbits to distrust him. Soon enough he would leave again and be gone without notice of his return.

So when word reached the people that Coglin had died in a distant place, he had not earned the respect of his neighbors. All shunned him and his funeral was sparse attended, and then only by his closest of kin, for his body was not brought back to the Shires. The maps he had drawn became artifacts in the Academy of Dalenas and some of them are housed now in the Hall at Merrydale and serve always to remind the people of Coglin’s wasted life.

The Noisome Home of Yondalla Goldenhair
In the days of the great grandsons of Tamb Greenthumb, there was a hobbit goodwife named Yondalla Goldenhair. She was a wife of great frugality, powerful industry and a mighty womb. In the first year of her espousal she bore her husband a son, in the second a daughter, in the third another daughter, in the fourth a son, and she continued after this fashion until the fruit of her womb numbered three tens and six. In all she bore 31 daughters and 5 sons and her name was celebrated across all of Dalenas.

It was said that her home was like the sound of a great party which new not the coming of morning, and others likened it to a great game of Running at Bat. Often her neighbors heard the crying of babes and the laughter of those at play and yet she was not despised, for it was the noise of fertility and of the perserverance upon the Face. So it was that Yondalla was the mother of many and considered to be the mother of all who raise children. For though time has forgotten the name of her goodhusband, it has ever remembered her name.

The Songs of Sheela of the Flowers
In the days of the great grandsons of Tamb Greenthumb, there was a maiden named Sheela Peryroyl who was often called Sheela of the Flowers. Now Sheela was a comely lass and high-spirited and she spent many hours plaiting flowers in her hair and singing, even as she gardened. Now many were those who sought her hand in marriage, but Sheela had purposed that she would not give it save to one who might equal her mastery in voice.

Then Peryroyl, the father of Sheela saw that she was much desired among the Hobbits and even among the other people, so he spoke to many of them making promises of her hand. And yet, all of those promises turned to naught, for none who sought her captured her heart with their singing. For she had each come before her to perform and each brought words and made music, but none had voices as fair and as strong as she.

So it was the father of Sheela sought to marry her against her will and delivered her bound to the home of one with whom he made the contract. But it was sad that her song could not be quieted even in captivity, so that before her bedding a Wood Spirit heard her voice and carried her off to safety.  When her father pursued a Water Spirit drowned him for his folly. To this day it is said that her voice is heard in the blowing wind and the running water. She remains the patroness of beauty and chastity and firmness of resolve.

The Hearth of Syrolalee
In the days of the great grandsons of Tamb Greenthumb, the Hobbits of old ate of the soft fruits of the ground and gathered the nuts of the trees for eating. But they knew not grain of the fields, save as feed for their livestock, for they did not know the secret of cooking.

At that time there was a crone named Syrolalee, who was so old that none remembered her father, nor mother. Since she neither had siblings nor children, there were none to say from whence she had come, and even the oldest of that time remembered her as stooped and aged, even from when they were children.

And Syrolalee was exceeding old and toothless such that nuts were closed to her and the skins of fruits were too tough. So she drank only water and sucked the leaves of plants to sup. Then it was that she happened upon the idea of putting foods in a pot to boil and she discovered that such cooking made them soft, but also sweet to taste. Soon all the people were following her example. This is why Syrolalee is remembered even now as the mistress of the hearth and the patroness of hospitality.

The Shield of Arvovreen the Defender
In the days of the great grandsons of Tamb Greenthumb, many folk had become troublesome across Dalenas. They took the tools of the field and made them into weapons of great cruelty. Some of them came then to Shires to take and destroy. They happened first upon a farmer who was called Arvovreen. He was quiet in his garden and repairing the wheel from his barrow. So these cruel ones said, We shall take of your farm and cause you to swear us obeisance." But Arvovreen would not be cowed and said, "Come the morrow I might, but not today, as I am busy in my rows."

So a second time the troubling folk raised their tools and menaced him saying, "We shall take your farm and cause you swear us obeisance. For as of old we have practiced war and with these tools we shall surely hurt you." But a second time, Arvovreen said, "Come the morrow I might, but not today."

A third time they spake thus and a third time Arvovreen answered. By now, all the people had come to witness and the troubling folk were angry for he did not surrender his farm nor swear obeisance. So they swung their tools as if to break him as one might break up a firm clay, but Arvoveen lifted the wheel from his barrow and deflected their blows. One after another they came, but none could hurt him for the circle of the wheel protected him.

So it was that the troubling folk grew tired and were driven off by the shouts of Arvovreen's neighbors and the coming of the great grandsons of Tamb. But all who made trouble now knew the power of the shield and would use it to defend themselves even as they harmed others.

As for Arvovreen, he was the last of those that knew not natural death. Long after the first Grimgoreniht that was to come, he was slain by a goblin named Grustmak the Bloody,  in the War that Consumed the Shires. For in that war Arvovreen had cast his shield as a spear and thus beheaded the goblin king. But then, left defenseless, he fell victim to Grustmak's stone axe. His body was carried to the Academy of Dalenas and he dwells in Arvanaith with his kin to this day.

The War that Consumed the Shires
Eventually the troubling folk could not be put off. No device of Avrovreen nor grandson of Tamb could withstand them. In great numbers they came, again and again. For their only desire was to take what others had acquired and to destroy what others had made. The hobbits suffered greatly until the other folks came to defend them. Gnumm there were, and Dwarven Folk, and Elven Folk and others which time has forgotten. Eventually the war came to an end, as all wars do. The troubling folk were driven off, but the Shires had been reduced to ash and rubble.

The Departure of Yomallor
For many years before the war, Yomallor had kept a neat home and well-groomed garden near the edge of Dalenas. Many were those who saw him and treated with him on the topic of planting and harvesting. Some brought him pies and breads such as the women might make and Yomallor invited all who did so for tea and honeyed milk. For in those days, he still clothed himself as though a Hobbit. Hobbit or not, he was the most neighborly of all Dalenas.

But the day came after the war, when Yomallor walked across the Shires and tarried a moment at each garden gate. The time had come, he said, that he must leave Dalenas and return from whence he came. For the Second Age was ending and a Third must begin. There were many tears in Dalenas then, and none had the strength for proper merrymaking. But Yomallor gave them comfort and said that though he must depart, he would surely return in the due course of time. His departure was to mark the beginning of the Third Age, and his return would be at the beginning of the Eighth.