The Many Vices of Erenth

To His Majesty, King Mynus of Saklan, Lord of Mountains, Scholar, Wizard, and Moral Paragon to the World

From Heyward of Laketon, traveler, polyglot and linguist of some cunning.

I have written this letter in the hopes of earning the reward you pledged to any who might help you discover the vices which so commonly inspire the actions of men and demi-men the world over. By God, I know of no more vicious tendency than that which is to utter curses and imprecations while angry or under duress -- unless it be to make oaths undertaken lightly or else for mundane matters. So, for your scornful consideration, I have set out those profane utterances that I have heard in pubs and taverns the world over, below:

In Westrun, a man might be heard to say, "Drat" or to call his fellow a "Dolt," or "Clod." If he is particularly malicious towards that same fellow he may refer to him as a "Canker Blossom." To describe a wife or children, or even handiwork as "Poxy" is to say they, or it, are diseased or else unfit. A "Gong Juggler" is one who lies or meddles in things he shouldn't, or is otherwise incompetent. A "Gong Peddler" is a liar and a "Gong Smith" is someone who has taken lying to the level of an artform. The "King's Chair," is a euphemism for something desirable.

Now, the peasants of Westrun are especially gifted at using profanity in rich and varied ways. There is almost no limit to the set of utterances, imprecations and curses that come from the vernacular form of the name of the pagan god, Inoss, such as, "Noss You," or "That is a Nossing fine horse," or "The wagon wheel is Nossed," or "I couldn't Nossing believe my ears." Some of the more skilled users of this word have been known to include it several times in a sentence, switching back and forth between pejorative, expletive, and ecstatic descriptions.

Finally, a man who intends to invoke great trust will say, "God as my witness," or "I swear by God." These utterances are frowned upon in the Canons themselves, though it hardly needs to be pointed out to one such as your Lordship.

In Northrun the worst insult is to refer to a man as a "Skittish Mare" or just a "Mare" or to a lesser degree any other she-animal. To refer to a woman as a "Cold Night's Sleep" is to denigrate her appearance or her ability. The phrase, "Oh the Witch's Womb," or simply "Witches Womb" as a stand alone expression is quite profane and a provocation of the numinous. "By Armsgleme's Axe," or "By the Stones of my Hearth," is a way of making promises one intends to be considered sacred.

In Southrun the imprecations are long and laborious, and the longer and more laborious the better. That said, there are few so-called standard insults. For a people who are prone to exaggeration and hyperbole, the more creative an insult is, the more seriously it is taken. When a man means to compliment or sincerely inquire after another, the man's father is invoked. But, to question a man or insult him, an innocent appeal to his mother will always have a pejorative effect. To inquire after her seemingly politely, by Westrun standards, is bad enough. Letting her be the object of a stream of curses, is the worst it gets. "May the lice of a goat herd find succor upon your mother's hairy bosom," is one such comment I heard in the port city of Sabaha the resulting bloodbath claimed 23 lives and countless maimed before the violence was sated.

In Eastrun the two worst insults levied are, "My horse or your wife," which is generally an unfavorable invitation to intimacy; and "The kala crack your skull," which is often just denoted by knocking ones fist against the forehead in the direction of the persons intended. A profane reference, but one that is generally favorable to the object is to call it the "marrgons horn." That is a euphemistic reference and not to either of the horns of the beast at all. On the other hand, a "margon's egg" is a euphemism for the beasts excrement and is sometimes just referred to as "egg." Expressions with that reference say, "Eggs in your dinner," or "Eggs for your pillow," or "Eggs in your ears."

The Elves are not known for their swift recourse to anger, nor for any particular profanity. Nonetheless, no culture seems immune, for when properly provoked, they will sometimes mutter, Lolths Lips or Lolths Limy Lips. When they are amazed or in awe, or else mean to give some surety of their word, they may be heard to exlaim, "By the ancestral tree."

The Gnomes are a curious lot who are given to craftsmanship and to tools of many sorts. Their favorite imprecations seem to be a slandering of those things. By saying, "Rusty Tools" or "Crook'd Cogs" it is the same as our Drat. When they mean to express awe or suprise they will invoke "Ymur's Hoary Beard" or "Gelf's Gritty Girdle."

Of all peoples I have studied, the Dwarves are a very colorful sort who are often given to exclamations and curses. When I had trouble remembering all those that I had heard and so consulted a Dwarf locally, he made several new ones to repay me for the inconveinance of my request. "Gypsum and Sandstone" is a way of ridiculing something or someone's reliability. While "Ice on the Forge" is a way of cursing something's lack of usefulness or general potency. "Tharm's Stoney Balls" is a sacriligious expression of the highest order which invokes the most ancient of Dwarven ancestors. A much tamer expression is "Clangeddin's Silver Beard" or "Clangeddin's Shiny Pate," which while also referencing an ancestor, has no sacriligious feeling. When a Dwarf means to invoke his highest level of sincerity he will swear saying, "May Mya and the Valkauna bear witness," or just "Valkauna bear witness."

The Halflings are fond of using "Clumbering" to refer to the people they refer to as Big Folk, and by extension, any actions that they find poorly thought out or foolishly executed. Their expression of dismay is an agricultural, "Pickers and thorns." Their expression of surprise is often some version of, "Well if that doesn't dampen my weed," and its correlary, "How does that light your pipe?"

Finally, men who have fought in the campaigns in the Goblin Kingdoms often return using phrases that are translated, "Seed Juggle" and "Drum Beat" in untold combinations. The latter of these is generally favorable while the former is unfavorable. "Seed juggling," or "Seed juggler," or "Juggle on," are the most common forms. For the more positive references, you'll hear, "Drum beating," or "drum beater," or "Beat the drum".

As I wrote, these things have been written with respect to the reward you offered. I can be reached in Laketon for swift resolution of financial matters outstanding. The yellow gaming house on the South Quay has rooms for let and I will spend as much time there as possible to await your letter.