Oh gather round ye pisspots and drunks,
Let me tell ye of kings and their bastardly funks,
Of silver-tongued laddies who climbed from the dirt,
With steel in their smiles and poison in their shirt.
So waggle your cups, don’t mention no names,
The throne’s full o’ cheats and the court’s full o’ games,
A wink and a knife makes a monarch renowned,
And a bastard’s the one who now wears the crown!
There once was a lad with a face sweet as pie,
But behind Daddy’s back he let poison fly,
His old man went stiff ere the fortnight was done,
And the boy kissed the crown like a good mother’s son.
So waggle your cups, don’t mention no names,
The throne’s full o’ cheats and the court’s full o’ games,
A goblet of venom, a sly little frown,
And a bastard’s the one who now wears the crown!
Then came a wise man with books in his bed,
But a supper too hearty left him stiff cold and dead,
And who do we find with a goblet in hand?
Why a bastard too clever by half for the land!
So waggle your cups, don’t mention no names,
The throne’s full o’ cheats and the court’s full o’ games,
A goblet of venom, a sly little frown,
And a bastard’s the one who now wears the crown!
The kings all did gather with ale in their hands,
But the son bore the guilt of his treacherous plans,
A knight took his due and laid royalty low,
While the bastard looked on with a satisfied glow.
So waggle your cups, don’t mention no names,
The throne’s full o’ cheats and the court’s full o’ games,
When bastards play noble, the high crowns all drown,
And the fattest of frauds now straddles the crown!
So here's to the bastards, the poisons, the lies,
To the crown that was stolen by murder and pies,
Drink deep, my good fellows, but don’t talk too loud—
Lest iron-clad fingers come quiet the crowd!
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